TARIFFS

Trump turns to tariffs

To send the trade deficit down

So who is feeling the pain?

Farmers, many of whom voted for the clown

Trump is considering farm aid

To prevent harm to his constituency

Where is that money coming from?

He’ll borrow from the Treasury

So let’s analyze the economics

Trade deficit down, budget deficit up

Maybe one of his thick-headed economists

Can explain how that’s a help

Trump’s grasp of complexity

Is pretty much nil

One cause, one effect

And everything else stands still

But the world ain’t like that, Donald

It has feedback loops beaucoup

About which you and your geniuses

Apparently don’t have a clue

SECURITY CLEARANCES

DJ wants to strip security clearances

From some who oppose him

Teach those clowns a lesson

About who is the boss of them

Another fine idea

From a guy who couldn’t get

Even a confidential level clearance

Unless he was President

Who trusts DJ

With any sort of secrets

Unless they pertain

To his many amorous incidents

Tell DJ a secret

And what does he do?

Gets on the phone to Putin and exclaims

“Val, have I got something for you!”

A security clearance requires

The ability to control your tongue

I know, don’t laugh

Motor Mouth’s tongue is permanently set on run

IRAN BACK ON THE PLATE

North Korea get rid of its nukes yet?

DJ promised it would be any day

Maybe there was a language problem

Maybe Kim Jong Un actually said No Way Jose

What if DJ’s lip

Lost its pouting pucker?

Would his teeth fall out

In the middle of his supper?

Making fun of another’s appearance

Is to some not very polite

But DJ says rules don’t apply to him

So Donald, you’re one weird sight

What’s Jared doing these days

Does he go to the office at all

Flunking his security clearance

May have put his career on stall

This morning DJ promised Iran

Armageddon if it didn’t shape up

Ho hum, here we go again

Another Trump-manufactured dust-up 

WHAT HAPPENED?

Everyone is wondering

What Trump and Putin agreed to

What commitments did Trump make

What damage did he do

Trump is being mute

Apparently he doesn’t feel

Us ordinary Americans

Should know what’s the deal

Russia on the other hand

Has dropped many a hint

That Trump pretty much

Gave away the mint

Putin will be coming in the Fall

To the White House in DC

Is that to take charge

After his November election victory?

Maybe Trump agreed

Returning Alaska to the Red Bear

And maybe throwing in Hawaii

Because after all Obama wasn’t born there

DOUBLE NEGATIVE

We are certainly fortunate

That DJ has focused our attention

On the Double Negative threat

To the Security of the Nation

But just what is this thing?

It does sound familiar

Was it seventh grade or eighth

When a teacher explained it to ya’?

Is would not wouldn’t a Double Negative?

Or could not couldn’t?

Or wouldn’t would not?

Or not would but wouldn’t?

Maybe we need a new agency

Of Double Negative Control

And it might keep English majors

Off the public dole

In the Age of Trump

Words can be precarious

Sometimes they mean what they mean

But oft times they are gibberish

MONTENEGRO

Putin and Trump

Are teaming up

To give little Montenegro

A kick in the butt

Didja’ see Fox Dork Carlson

And his Lordship Trump

Agreeing Montenegro

Was nothing but a dump

The discussion sounded like

It had been set up

Which is not surprising

Given the Trump-Fox love bump

Never mind a NATO commitment

NATO is so yesterday

We are now in a new age

That has different ways to play

We need to stand behind

Our new ally Russia

Or Putin and his oligarchs

Will continue to suffer

MORE WOULDN'T

(With a shout-out to CC)

Should DJ be taken to the “would” shed

For a grammar lesson or two

Or maybe the real remedy is

Motor Mouth belongs in a zoo

Did he say what he should?

Did he say what he would?

Did he say what he wouldn’t?

Did he say what he could?

Words are his weapons

Words used randomly

Words that hurt

Words used inappropriately

Never mind context

Never mind grammar

Never mind impact

Might as well use a hammer

Strunk and White

He does not know

Emily Post’s Etiquette

Oh so no-no

WOULDN'T

Trump meant to say wouldn’t

Or maybe he meant to say would

Or maybe he meant to say didn’t

Or maybe he meant to say could

So, what to do about Trump

Maybe he should play more golf

Maybe an anger-management class

Maybe confine him with Grannie in the loft

Is it possible to curtail

His overseas hops

Maybe hide Air Force One

Tell him its in the shop

Republicans are lying low

Wondering how Trump’s base

Is adjusting to the reality

That maybe they voted in haste

Democrats are ecstatic

Though maybe they should be cautious

They have an unfortunate habit

Of turning victories into losses

HELSINKI SUMMIT

New York real estate

Apparently did not prepare

The Donald to face

The cunning Russian Bear

The Helsinki Summit is over

And Trump is in the sky

Flying to his home country

But where does that lie?

Washington or Moscow

Where is Air Force One heading?

Where will Trump be

Spreading out his bedding?

Taken to the cleaners

That’s what Putin did

To poor befuddled Donald who

Was obviously in over his head

Now here’s a question

How can Trump apologists

Maintain their position

That DJ is a genius?

IT'S OBAMA'S FAULT

It happened under the Obama Administration

Is Trump’s standard response

To any questions raised

About his own screw-ups

The DNC was hacked

That was under Obama

He certainly could’a stopped it

Only he didn’t wanna

North Korea went nuclear

It’s Obama’s fault

Barack told Kim Jong Un

Just keep ‘em in the vault

Trump claimed the economy

Was in an Obama-caused recession

Until His Lordship produced

An amazing resurrection

DJ is like your least favorite sibling

Back when you were small

The one who always looked your way

When Mom asked who wrote on the wall

UGLY AMERICAN

The Ugly American

Is doing the Grand Tour

And succumbing quite frequently

To Motor Mouth allure 

First there was Brussels

Where he left the impression

Of an oversized Oaf

Suffering severe constipation 

From there across the Channel

To Mother Country Britain

Where he managed to irritate

The whole darn nation

All this in preparation

For a meeting in Helsinki

At which he and Putin

Will share a Twinkie 

Maybe the solution to the troubles

Is to revoke DJ’s passport

And confine him to

His Florida resort

OVER THE HILL?

The Bully arrived in Brussels

With his usual flair

He would like the world to know

That he still has a pair

Even though many suspect

The pair haven’t worked in awhile

After all, the Guy is

Close to being senile

Melania could probably tell us

But she is too polite

The separate bedrooms, however

Say oodles about DJ’s plight

Maybe Merkel and May

Should volunteer

And say, “Hey Donald

Would you be a dear

And show us your thing

‘Cuz Putin claims he has video

Proving your erotic capability

Has descended well south of zero”

REPUBLICAN MORALITY

Notice the intellectual drift

Of the Republican Party?

First Palin, now Trump

Whose next, Sean Hannity?

And how about Evangelicals

Who use to be such prudes

They’ve become apologists

For a seriously sinning Dude

Apparently the Good Book

Does not apply

To those with whom politically

You are eye-to-eye

It seems that adultery

Is no big deal

As long as you throw abortion

Under the wheel

So Republicans with lax morals

Can sin all they want

Just be sure to remain

Anti-government 

SCOTUS

A Supreme Court possibility

Got nominated last night

His Highness The Donald

Did the occasion up right

Prime time TV

Almost mandatory

Let the kids stay up

To watch Trump in his glory

Just like the Apprentice

Trump maintained the suspense

A lot more fun

Than praying with Mike Pence

If only Stormy Daniels

Had not gone away

He could’a topped the evening off

With a roll in the hay

So now begins the spectacle

Of a Senate “hearing”

Can Brett Kavanaugh display

The required judicial bearing?

TRUMP HAS GIFT FOR PUTIN

Fake news has it

That Trump will give Putin

Alaska, in return

For saying “no collusion”

After all, Alaska

Once belonged to Russia

But some Czar said

“It’s too much bother”

Alaska has few golf courses

So no great loss

And Trump does need

To make happy his Boss

McConnell, Ryan

And that Congressional Crew

Won’t object to Trump’s action

That’s not what they do

If Trump announced

Russia needed some money

McConnell and Ryan would jump

Like kids after honey

MORE BAD POETRY

He’s off to Europe

To blow up NATO

And maybe also give Putin

Mar-a-Lago

Pompeo went to Pyongyang

To denuke Korea

Kim Jong Un said

kiss my rear

The Trumpster thinks tariffs

Are the thing to do

Maybe they were

Back round 1922

Cadet Bone Spurs digs rallies

Where he can unload

Before an audience

Of like-minded toads

A Supreme Court nomination

Will be announced soon

And the Trumpster expects

Us all to swoon

BAD POETRY

The unprecedented President we have has reduced Cranky to bad poetry:

Once there was a President

He was one helluva guy

This President brought to government

A veritable pigsty

There was Pruitt the sleaze

Scaramucci quickly gone in the breeze

Huckabeee Sanders “I don’t know”

And Sessions the ‘Bama bozo

When the citizens of the nation

Voted for this clown

They did not think he would give them

a perpetual frown

Now they are stuck with him

As he pontificates and fabricates

And as the country implodes

The watching world regurgitates

Washington and Jefferson

Roosevelt and Ike

And now a road bump

Whose name rhymes with Rump

Will the nation survive?

We can but hope

Never before has there been

Such a complete dope.

FACEBOOK KNOWS ALL ABOUT YOU

So, how are you and Facebook getting along? You still think it is a benign organization out to kumbaya the world?

Actually, it may be out to erode your privacy down to zilch, or maybe zilch minus.

You want evidence? On March 22 of this year--a little over two weeks ago--the obscure Patent Trial and Appeal Board (PTAB) of the U.S. Patent Office issued a decision regarding a patent application Facebook filed back in 2011. The application concerned a method "for tracking information about the activities of users of a social networking system while on another domain."

Ponder that: Facebook wanted a patent for tracking your activities WHILE YOU WERE ELSEWHERE ON THE INTERNET. Big Brother going exponential is another way of describing it.

The good news is that the patent application was denied by the Patent Examiner, and the denial was affirmed (in part) by the PTAB. The bad news is that Facebook does not need a patent to track your activities elsewhere on the Internet. A patent would have been nice, but not necessary.

Incidentally, the PTAB decision was Ex Parte Schoen, issued on March 22, 2018.

Congressional Committees, when you meet with Mark Z. this week, you might want to bring this up.

CADET BONE SPURS WOULD'A CHARGED!

Cadet Bone Spurs, recipient of five draft deferments back in his youth, has proclaimed that if he had been present at the Florida High School shooting, he would have charged into the building, even if he didn't have a weapon.

Well, it's a shame the nation didn't have him on the front lines during that war of his youth. He undoubtedly would have single-handedly dispatched many Commies and inspired his fellow soldiers to great acts of mayhem. Yes, Cadet Bone Spurs would have been a wonder.

Which is why he deserves the parade he is planning to honor himself with. If anyone in our nation's history deserved a parade, Cadet Bone Spurs is that one.

While at it, he maybe should give himself a few medals for the bravery that most certainly would have been. A Congressional Medal of Honor might be overdoing it, but few would begrudge him a couple of Silver Stars or so.

And since his is a family Presidency, maybe some Bronze Stars for Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Junior. Their Greatness certainly warrants recognition. Oh, and Melania also. If anyone deserves a medal, it is she. 

TIME TO AMEND THE SECOND AMENDMENT

The time has come to amend the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. The effort to bring a rational, technologically modern interpretation to its archaic words has been stymied by the absolutist stance of its fervid supporters, who constitute a minority of the population. Those supporters have raised gun ownership from a legal right to a bulwark against societal change. And citizens are dying as a result, some accidentally, some on purpose. Gun ownership has become a way to express a political viewpoint, a viewpoint that sees not opponents but enemies.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Twenty-seven words. Written more than two centuries ago. What were “Arms” in 1791 when the Second Amendment, as part of the Bill of Rights, was ratified? Muzzle-loaded flint-lock muskets and pistols. Single shot. Two to three rounds per minute.

And what is this “well regulated Militia” jazz? The only groups around today that call themselves “militias” are certainly not well regulated. Moreover, instead of “being necessary to the security of a free State,” they are often sanctuaries for the disturbed and threats to more peaceful citizens.

So what should a modern Second Amendment protect? Reasonable gun ownership by qualified, mentally healthy individuals. Weapons of war, including automatic rifles, should not be in the hands of private citizens. Nor should hand grenades or shoulder-launched rockets. Legislatures should have leeway to define what are “arms,” who may own “arms,” who may not own “arms,” and where “arms” may be possessed or carried.

Is “reasonable gun ownership by qualified, mentally healthy individuals” a clear-cut standard? Certainly not. And ever-changing technology will pose a constant challenge to legislatures and enforcers. But the current environment in which words that describe tangible objects from a bygone era are held sacrosanct is absurd. The Constitution, particularly the first Ten Amendments (the Bill of Rights), is largely about intangibles—freedom of speech and the press, no law respecting an establishment of religion, protection from “unreasonable searches and seizures.” In this great document, the Second Amendment is an anomaly. It is about hardware that now exists only in museums. It should be updated with a “reasonableness” standard.