CADET BONE SPURS WOULD'A CHARGED!

Cadet Bone Spurs, recipient of five draft deferments back in his youth, has proclaimed that if he had been present at the Florida High School shooting, he would have charged into the building, even if he didn't have a weapon.

Well, it's a shame the nation didn't have him on the front lines during that war of his youth. He undoubtedly would have single-handedly dispatched many Commies and inspired his fellow soldiers to great acts of mayhem. Yes, Cadet Bone Spurs would have been a wonder.

Which is why he deserves the parade he is planning to honor himself with. If anyone in our nation's history deserved a parade, Cadet Bone Spurs is that one.

While at it, he maybe should give himself a few medals for the bravery that most certainly would have been. A Congressional Medal of Honor might be overdoing it, but few would begrudge him a couple of Silver Stars or so.

And since his is a family Presidency, maybe some Bronze Stars for Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Junior. Their Greatness certainly warrants recognition. Oh, and Melania also. If anyone deserves a medal, it is she. 

TIME TO AMEND THE SECOND AMENDMENT

The time has come to amend the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. The effort to bring a rational, technologically modern interpretation to its archaic words has been stymied by the absolutist stance of its fervid supporters, who constitute a minority of the population. Those supporters have raised gun ownership from a legal right to a bulwark against societal change. And citizens are dying as a result, some accidentally, some on purpose. Gun ownership has become a way to express a political viewpoint, a viewpoint that sees not opponents but enemies.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Twenty-seven words. Written more than two centuries ago. What were “Arms” in 1791 when the Second Amendment, as part of the Bill of Rights, was ratified? Muzzle-loaded flint-lock muskets and pistols. Single shot. Two to three rounds per minute.

And what is this “well regulated Militia” jazz? The only groups around today that call themselves “militias” are certainly not well regulated. Moreover, instead of “being necessary to the security of a free State,” they are often sanctuaries for the disturbed and threats to more peaceful citizens.

So what should a modern Second Amendment protect? Reasonable gun ownership by qualified, mentally healthy individuals. Weapons of war, including automatic rifles, should not be in the hands of private citizens. Nor should hand grenades or shoulder-launched rockets. Legislatures should have leeway to define what are “arms,” who may own “arms,” who may not own “arms,” and where “arms” may be possessed or carried.

Is “reasonable gun ownership by qualified, mentally healthy individuals” a clear-cut standard? Certainly not. And ever-changing technology will pose a constant challenge to legislatures and enforcers. But the current environment in which words that describe tangible objects from a bygone era are held sacrosanct is absurd. The Constitution, particularly the first Ten Amendments (the Bill of Rights), is largely about intangibles—freedom of speech and the press, no law respecting an establishment of religion, protection from “unreasonable searches and seizures.” In this great document, the Second Amendment is an anomaly. It is about hardware that now exists only in museums. It should be updated with a “reasonableness” standard.

MORE THINGS THE DONALD DOESN'T DO

A few readers who obviously do not have the proper level of respect for our  President have offered some more things that are foreign to him. So here are additional contributions to the list of stuff that preclude The Donald from truly being a champion of Middle America.

More things The Donald has little experience with:

) Walking a golf course carrying his own golf bag.

) Just walking a golf course.

) Maintaining an honest score card.

) Claiming his true golf handicap.

) Personally calling and ordering a pizza for delivery (that's what the help does).

) Telling the truth.

) Going a week without uttering at least three outrageous whoppers.

) Tweeting something not insulting to another person, race, or nation.

) Thinking about a human female in a way that doesn't include his hand reaching for her, er, you know.

ORDINARY AMERICAN THINGS THE DONALD LIKELY HASN'T DONE

Donald Trump’s greatest accomplishment has been to hoodwink a sizeable chunk of Americans into believing that he is one of them. He has done this through a genuinely brilliant mix of coarse language, anti-elitist rhetoric, anti-government tirades, anti-political correctness, personal insults, racial slurs, misogynistic comments, and a plethora of distortions and outright lies.

But the reality is that The Donald was born and raised rich and has practically nothing in common with the average citizen. Here is a list of ordinary American things the Donald has likely never done, at least since his teenage years a half-century ago:

) Hammered a nail.

) Sawed a board.

) Raked leaves.

) Cleaned gutters.

) Pulled weeds.

) Cut grass.

) Trimmed a hedge.

) Dug a hole.

) Washed a car.

) Used a wrench.

) Split firewood.

) Calculated his own taxes.

) Avoided bankruptcy.

) Paid his bills on time.

) Rowed a boat.

) Fished.

) Changed a diaper.

) Rinsed a dish.

) Cleaned a toilet.

) Sweated (Real sweat, not golf-course sweat). 

CADET BONE SPUR WANTS A PARADE

Cadet Bone Spur wants a stupendous military parade. And guess what. He wants you and me to pay for it. Never mind that large military parades are the normal province of autocratic leaders such as Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and whoever is running China at the moment.

Or maybe that is the point. Cadet Bone Spur is an autocratic wannabe. In his mind, a military parade with lots of imposing, pavement-chewing hardware, might be an appropriate step in his quest to replace our inefficient democracy with an autocracy of himself.

Himself. That's what Cadet Bone Spur is all about. His whole life has been an effort to be the center of attention, to be praised, glorified, even worshiped.

Well, maybe we should give him his parade. And put him in it. Not in a bright dress uniform but in the uniform of Grunts, line-doggies, cannon fodder. And have him low-crawl the route with DI's screaming obscenities in his ears. Better yet, with live fire zipping a foot or so over his orange noggin. Yeah, that's a parade many would enjoy.