THE BOOGER, OUR LITTLE FRIEND

Boogers get a bad rap. They are consistently portrayed in an unflattering manner. Their extraction through nose-picking is not presented as a natural human activity but as something uncouth, even filthy. An entire Seinfeld episode was built around the disgust with which society views a pick.

Yet who among us has not participated? And we should not be ashamed of having done so. Boogers are not vile things. They are actually quite useful.

One use: food. Yes, boogers can be a tasty little snack. They are naturally salty, some more so than others. And if survival is at stake—say you are trapped in a cave and becoming malnourished—boogers are certainly more palatable than other human waste alternatives. So, find yourself hungry but with no food readily available? Pick your nose.

Another use: glue. Some, admittedly not all but some, boogers are excellent adhesives, at least as good as epoxy, J-B Weld, Gorilla Glue, or other alternatives available from such stores as Home Depot and Ace Hardware. Have a repair job requiring an industrial strength adhesive? Pick your nose.

A third use: beauty spot. Accustomed to applying a beauty spot as part of your preparations to face the world each day but don’t have the necessary material one fine morning? Pick your nose.

Not yet persuaded about the value of boogers? Well, their use as a hygiene sensor should remove all doubts. Most of us have worked in offices at some point in our lives. And offices mean communal lavatories. And keeping communal lavatories clean is a challenge of the first order. Some employers commit the resources necessary to maintain a minimally acceptable level of cleanliness. Most don’t. But as an employee, how can you judge?

You can certainly judge the extreme. Unflushable toilets and urinals (do female bathrooms have urinals? Seriously, most guys don’t know) are certainly not acceptable. But how do you evaluate the rest?

Well, one method involves the much maligned booger. Simply place a booger on a wall. If you’re a guy standing at a urinal and no one is around, reach into the old nose, get one of your bad boys, and deposit it at eye level or a little below. And then see how many days it remains in place. Or if you’re in a stall rather than at a urinal, deposit the little rascal on the side wall, maybe a bit to the side of the paper dispenser so you’ll have a reference point to locate it on later visits.

Among Cranky’s former employers was an agency of the federal government. This particular agency was a bit lax in the hygiene department. Hygiene sensors frequently remained unremoved for weeks. The last one Cranky deposited set a record. Seven months after installation, it was still in place. In fact, Cranky left the agency before the sensor did. Some years have passed so surely it’s gone by now. But maybe, just maybe. Second floor men’s room. Urinal furthest from the door. Eye level. Check it out.