Is the cranky old guy the only TV watcher in America who doesn’t get that Volkswagen ad with the mumbling little statute, indeed is considerably annoyed by said ad? Maybe the mumbling is understandable to quicker minds and sharper ears. Maybe the little grump is some pop cultural icon that has totally avoided the cranky old guy’s space.
Or maybe the little grump is a movie character from some recent movie. After all, the cranky old guy hasn’t been to a movie theater in decades. He stopped going when the audience started conversing with the screen. Besides, wait long enough and a movie comes to you.
But back to the ad. The cranky old guy finds it beyond irritating. What’s the message? VW drivers are wing nuts who have conversations with small inarticulate idols from some cult religion?
Another irritating ad is that Burger King thing from the Super Bowl, the one in which females dressed as lettuce, tomatoes, buns, and perhaps condiments combine to make a Whopper. Sorry, but the cranky old guy found it vaguely nauseating. If there were supposed to be sexual overtones, they completely escaped this refugee from carnal athletics.
The cranky old guy is not alone in panning the Burger King effort. Not much good has been said about it. But he seems to be in the distinct minority regarding the magic refrigerator, the one attached to the revolving wall so a dude can keep his beer to himself by quickly rotating the fridge into the adjacent room where a tribe of cretins worship it.
What the cranky old guy has problems with is the obvious question of what the dude does when his fridge rotates back empty. This would only have to happen once for the dude to realize that his beer-hiding operation has a problem. Such an obvious flaw prevents the cranky old guy from doing much more with this commercial than scratching his head.
A good portion of the problem is undoubtedly generational. Maybe the cranky old guy just misses the commercials of simpler times. Remember Joe Izuzu? Now that was funny, and the premise didn’t leave you with a headache.
DSH
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
HUNTING WITH DICK
In recognition of your longtime, unwavering, and unquestioning loyalty to the Administration of George W. Bush, you are invited to a weekend of quail-slaughtering and liberal-bashing with the Vice President of the United States, the Honorable Richard B. Cheney. It is suggested that in addition to your usual hunting equipment, you bring a suit of full body armor, preferably Kevlar, and a NASCAR-style, 360-degree helmet with a reinforced protective eye piece.
Hunting etiquette, and self-preservation, require you to position yourself to the rear of the Vice President, whose Secret Service code name is “Shoot First.” Since the Vice President is capable of sudden turning moves, you must be alert and nimble to maintain the rearward position. If you do find yourself facing the business end of a 28-gauge, dropping quickly to the ground will increase your chances of continuing to be a donor to the Republican Party.
Although this excursion entails little real risk, you might want to be sure your affairs are in order. And to avoid the monetary hardship that the Party would sustain in the remote event of your untimely demise, you should consider a bequest to the Party of, say, half of your estate. A bequest of this amount would entitle you to membership in the “They Gave Their All Club.”
If you are unable to take advantage of this invitation, you may want to consider an alternative, although considerably more risky, honor: a week-end clearing brush with the President. You would have to provide your own chainsaw.
DSH
Hunting etiquette, and self-preservation, require you to position yourself to the rear of the Vice President, whose Secret Service code name is “Shoot First.” Since the Vice President is capable of sudden turning moves, you must be alert and nimble to maintain the rearward position. If you do find yourself facing the business end of a 28-gauge, dropping quickly to the ground will increase your chances of continuing to be a donor to the Republican Party.
Although this excursion entails little real risk, you might want to be sure your affairs are in order. And to avoid the monetary hardship that the Party would sustain in the remote event of your untimely demise, you should consider a bequest to the Party of, say, half of your estate. A bequest of this amount would entitle you to membership in the “They Gave Their All Club.”
If you are unable to take advantage of this invitation, you may want to consider an alternative, although considerably more risky, honor: a week-end clearing brush with the President. You would have to provide your own chainsaw.
DSH
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
LEAVES (FROM TREES) REVISITED
The residents of Alexandria—Virginia, that is—will soon learn that questioning authority has consequences. The questioning in question concerns the debacle that was the leaf collection—or more accurately wasn’t the leaf collection—over the last few months. Many residents have vehemently and exuberantly expressed their displeasure to city officials and city councilpersons.
Well, revenge is in the air. A memorandum submitted to the mayor and other elected officials by the Director, T&ES (the cranky old guy hasn’t a clue as to what the acronym stands for, and is too lazy to investigate), indicates that one of the reforms being considered is the “Arlington County Bag system.” The system would be used in “heavily treed neighborhoods.” Incidentally, the Director, T&ES, recently moved out of one especially “heavily treed neighborhood.” Nothing like a little inside knowledge to get ahead of the curve
This is scary. The only place in the State of Virginia more radically left wing than the Peoples Republic of Alexandria is the Socialist Commune of Arlington. Something with the moniker “Arlington County Bag system” is likely to involve levels of cooperative effort, government intrusion, and peer pressure far beyond what an individualistic capitalist citizen of these United States should have to suffer. Indeed, in some Alexandria neighborhoods, peer pressure from overbearing neighbors is already out of control.
The cranky old guy couldn’t find out much about the “Arlington County Bag system.” It appears to involve biodegradable (of course) bags that citizens have to pick up from central facilities. The cranky old guy wouldn’t be surprised if leaves had to be sorted by such criteria as type of tree and age.
From the deep, dark recesses of his memory, the cranky old guy has resurrected another solution. Back before biodegradable bags, leaf trucks, central refuse facilities, and semi-communist governments on the North American mainland, there was simply fire. Rake leaves into a pile, strike a match, and enjoy one of the greatest smells ever: burning leaves. Better still, don’t even bother to rake. Just light the ground.
But alas and alack, such pleasures are no longer permitted. So my fellow Alexandrians, prepare for the future. The “Arlington County Bag system” is on the way. Undoubtedly, it will require the imposition of higher real estate taxes. After all, biodegradable bags don’t come cheap.
DSH
Well, revenge is in the air. A memorandum submitted to the mayor and other elected officials by the Director, T&ES (the cranky old guy hasn’t a clue as to what the acronym stands for, and is too lazy to investigate), indicates that one of the reforms being considered is the “Arlington County Bag system.” The system would be used in “heavily treed neighborhoods.” Incidentally, the Director, T&ES, recently moved out of one especially “heavily treed neighborhood.” Nothing like a little inside knowledge to get ahead of the curve
This is scary. The only place in the State of Virginia more radically left wing than the Peoples Republic of Alexandria is the Socialist Commune of Arlington. Something with the moniker “Arlington County Bag system” is likely to involve levels of cooperative effort, government intrusion, and peer pressure far beyond what an individualistic capitalist citizen of these United States should have to suffer. Indeed, in some Alexandria neighborhoods, peer pressure from overbearing neighbors is already out of control.
The cranky old guy couldn’t find out much about the “Arlington County Bag system.” It appears to involve biodegradable (of course) bags that citizens have to pick up from central facilities. The cranky old guy wouldn’t be surprised if leaves had to be sorted by such criteria as type of tree and age.
From the deep, dark recesses of his memory, the cranky old guy has resurrected another solution. Back before biodegradable bags, leaf trucks, central refuse facilities, and semi-communist governments on the North American mainland, there was simply fire. Rake leaves into a pile, strike a match, and enjoy one of the greatest smells ever: burning leaves. Better still, don’t even bother to rake. Just light the ground.
But alas and alack, such pleasures are no longer permitted. So my fellow Alexandrians, prepare for the future. The “Arlington County Bag system” is on the way. Undoubtedly, it will require the imposition of higher real estate taxes. After all, biodegradable bags don’t come cheap.
DSH
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