HUNTING WITH DICK

In recognition of your longtime, unwavering, and unquestioning loyalty to the Administration of George W. Bush, you are invited to a weekend of quail-slaughtering and liberal-bashing with the Vice President of the United States, the Honorable Richard B. Cheney. It is suggested that in addition to your usual hunting equipment, you bring a suit of full body armor, preferably Kevlar, and a NASCAR-style, 360-degree helmet with a reinforced protective eye piece.

Hunting etiquette, and self-preservation, require you to position yourself to the rear of the Vice President, whose Secret Service code name is “Shoot First.” Since the Vice President is capable of sudden turning moves, you must be alert and nimble to maintain the rearward position. If you do find yourself facing the business end of a 28-gauge, dropping quickly to the ground will increase your chances of continuing to be a donor to the Republican Party.

Although this excursion entails little real risk, you might want to be sure your affairs are in order. And to avoid the monetary hardship that the Party would sustain in the remote event of your untimely demise, you should consider a bequest to the Party of, say, half of your estate. A bequest of this amount would entitle you to membership in the “They Gave Their All Club.”

If you are unable to take advantage of this invitation, you may want to consider an alternative, although considerably more risky, honor: a week-end clearing brush with the President. You would have to provide your own chainsaw.

DSH