LEAVES (FROM TREES) REVISITED

The residents of Alexandria—Virginia, that is—will soon learn that questioning authority has consequences. The questioning in question concerns the debacle that was the leaf collection—or more accurately wasn’t the leaf collection—over the last few months. Many residents have vehemently and exuberantly expressed their displeasure to city officials and city councilpersons.

Well, revenge is in the air. A memorandum submitted to the mayor and other elected officials by the Director, T&ES (the cranky old guy hasn’t a clue as to what the acronym stands for, and is too lazy to investigate), indicates that one of the reforms being considered is the “Arlington County Bag system.” The system would be used in “heavily treed neighborhoods.” Incidentally, the Director, T&ES, recently moved out of one especially “heavily treed neighborhood.” Nothing like a little inside knowledge to get ahead of the curve

This is scary. The only place in the State of Virginia more radically left wing than the Peoples Republic of Alexandria is the Socialist Commune of Arlington. Something with the moniker “Arlington County Bag system” is likely to involve levels of cooperative effort, government intrusion, and peer pressure far beyond what an individualistic capitalist citizen of these United States should have to suffer. Indeed, in some Alexandria neighborhoods, peer pressure from overbearing neighbors is already out of control.

The cranky old guy couldn’t find out much about the “Arlington County Bag system.” It appears to involve biodegradable (of course) bags that citizens have to pick up from central facilities. The cranky old guy wouldn’t be surprised if leaves had to be sorted by such criteria as type of tree and age.

From the deep, dark recesses of his memory, the cranky old guy has resurrected another solution. Back before biodegradable bags, leaf trucks, central refuse facilities, and semi-communist governments on the North American mainland, there was simply fire. Rake leaves into a pile, strike a match, and enjoy one of the greatest smells ever: burning leaves. Better still, don’t even bother to rake. Just light the ground.

But alas and alack, such pleasures are no longer permitted. So my fellow Alexandrians, prepare for the future. The “Arlington County Bag system” is on the way. Undoubtedly, it will require the imposition of higher real estate taxes. After all, biodegradable bags don’t come cheap.

DSH