HE'S GOT REGRETS!!

Stop the Presses! The Donald's got regrets! After more than a year of no regrets, no apologizing, The Donald admitted in a speech on Thursday, August 18, in the year of Our Lord 2016, that he has regrets!

The pundits, commentators, and bovinators have gone nuts. Everything is changed. The race is competitive again. Hillary's in trouble.

Analyzing what The Donald meant, what the ultimate reaction will be, will go on for days. Lucky us.

One issue already surfacing is that The Donald didn't actually apologize to anyone or for any particular incident. He only expressed general regret. Is this enough? Will the polls suddenly start going The Donald's way?

Stay tuned, Folks. This election ain't over yet! Let's say it one more time, slowly:

The...Donald...has...expressed...regrets. Hallelujah!

SACRIFICES

The Donald has taken umbrage at criticism from a mother and father whose son, a Captain in the United States Army, was killed while serving in Iraq. The Donald said he too has made sacrifices for his country, specifically that he has worked hard and provided employment for tens of thousands of people. Some might question whether The Donald's response actually describes sacrifices. But not to worry. The Donald has made many bona fide sacrifices during his life. Here are a few.

1) Wife Number 1 Ivana was sacrificed, being replaced by Wife Number 2 Marla.

2) Wife Number 2 Marla was sacrificed, being replaced by Wife Number 3 Melania.

3) The opportunity to serve in the U.S. military was sacrificed on account of bone spurs.

4) Facts have been sacrificed, being replaced by embellishments, exaggerations, distortions, and outright prevarications.

5) Payments to contractors and suppliers have been sacrificed to the needs of the moment.

6) Humility has been sacrificed to bombast, braggadocio, and buffoonery.

7) Good taste has been sacrificed to showmanship, extravagance, and boorishness.

8) Charitable giving has been sacrificed to unproven claims of charitable giving.

9) Acknowledging error has been sacrificed to, "Me make an error? Never, ever, couldn't happen."

10) Reality has been sacrificed to delusional meanderings.

11) Release of tax returns has been sacrificed to. . . a dearth of charitable giving? questionable business and accounting practices? financial dealings with Russian oligarchs?