ULTIMATE SELFIE

On  September 23, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office issued Patent No. 8,843,400. The patent assignee was Procter & Gamble. The patent was entitled “Method of collecting information regarding absorbent articles.” In Cranky's opinion, a patent should not have been granted for what is merely a method of conducting consumer tests of a product. Consumer testing is not new. The concept has been around for quite some time. The claimed invention seems like nothing more than applying the concept with the latest technology, which the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled in a series of recent cases does not ordinarily create a patentable result. See Alice Corporation Pty. LTD. v. CLS Bank International et al, 134 S.Ct. 2347 (June 2014). Here follows selected passages from the public patent document for Patent 8,843,400. 

DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF THE INVENTION

(First paragraph only) 

“The present invention is directed to methods of collecting information from individuals using computing devices and mobile computing devices. As mobile devices become more powerful and common, the opportunity for the collection of data has expanded. Traditional consumer studies require the collection of used absorbent articles so that the absorbent article may be evaluated and observed. This means that both the consumer and the test placer must handle the absorbent article. Further, it represents that a lag exists between when the absorbent article is used and when the used absorbent article can be examined. The claimed invention solves the problems and is directed to a method for collecting information from a consumer in real time. The information can include certain characteristics of the consumer's menstrual cycle and/or the absorbent articles, both before and after use. The information collected can be used to make correlations between the data and the information to develop future absorbent articles and/or to provide product selection recommendations.” 

BACKGROUND OF THE INVENTION

“Consumer goods companies may use consumer studies to learn how the absorbent articles may be improved. This is because women all have different levels of overall menstrual flow throughout their cycle and have different absorbent article needs. Often, a woman's menstrual cycle is typically characterized by initial light flow which subsequently increases and finally tapers off to the end of the period. When placing an absorbent article test, absorbent articles are used throughout a cycle leading to the opportunity for learning how different absorbent articles handle different flow properties. However, there is no way to determine if an absorbent article is used appropriately in the privacy of the user's home. In addition, the study may require the collection of data during and after a test, including for example, consumer perceptions and the used test absorbent articles. This can lead to various complications since the absorbent articles must be properly handled both by the user and by the consumer goods company that is placing the study. Further, handling during the collection of the used test absorbent article represents additional stresses on the test absorbent article that may further impact the results.

Consequently, the need remains for a method that allows the consumer to provide the information without requiring return of the used absorbent article. In addition, the need remains for a method that allows for the collection of data in real time. Furthermore, there remains a need for a method that allows for increased accuracy in the collection of data regarding the used test absorbent article.” 

FIRST CLAIM

(Claims are the formal, legal description of the invention; each claim can be only one sentence, a requirement that can result in some very long sentences) 

“1. A method of collecting information from an individual regarding absorbent articles, the method comprising: (a) collecting input information from an individual regarding absorbent article use wherein at least some of the information collected includes data generally known by most consumers; (b) collecting still or video image data from an individual consumer using a computing device; (c) uploading input information and still or video image data to a server; (d) using the input information and still or video image data collected to output data regarding the absorbent articles; (e) using the input information and still or video image data collected to output a set of correlations between the visual data and the input information; and wherein the set of correlations are utilized to determine the appropriate placement of the absorbent article on the undergarment or to track a stain on the absorbent article.” 

TWO DEFINITIONS FROM THE DETAILED DESCRIPTION SECTION

 

“Herein, the term ‘feminine hygiene absorbent article’ is used in a broad sense including any article able to receive and/or absorb and/or contain and/or retain body fluids/bodily exudates such as menses, vaginal secretions, and urine. Exemplary feminine hygiene absorbent articles include disposable feminine hygiene absorbent articles. Such articles include tampons, sanitary napkins, interlabial products, incontinence devices, and pantiliners.”

“As used herein, the term ‘image capturing device’ refers to a device capable of capturing a still or video image. Such image capturing devices include digital cameras, webcams, mobile phones, and tablets with image capturing software. The image capturing device may be physically and/or communicatively coupled to a mobile computing device and a display device.”

FOUR WEEK UPDATE

Four weeks after the Catastrophe on K Street, which was immediately followed by the Major Urban Trauma Center 5-Day Meltdown, Cranky is back in the 'burbs and slowly on the road to recovery. One thing he is learning is that a wide variety of opinions exist in the Orthopedics community about the pace and process of rehab for a ruptured quad tendon. Should the leg brace be on for 4, 6, or 8 weeks? Should knee flexing start at 2, 4, 6, or 8 weeks? Is sneaking the brace off while you sleep a minor transgression or a mortal sin?

Cranky has also learned that the brace he left the Major Urban Trauma Center (MUTC) with was not quite state-of-the art. When Cranky went for a consult at another Orthopedics facility, the brace, pictured above on the left, aroused a few snickers and several snide remarks such as "war surplus" and "Smithsonian donation material." Still, the actual medical procedure performed on Cranky's leg at the MUTC was apparently top notch. So hopefully in a few months he will be in as good a condition as any 71-year old, which means he will be waiting for the next body part to reach its expiration date.

K STREET CASUALTY

Cranky had a significant K Street experience recently. Every Washington wonk dreams of becoming a K Street somebody, and after almost forty years in the town, Cranky finally made it.

Did Cranky succeed in convincing a Congressional staffer to change the position of a comma in an appropriations bill, thereby qualifying Cranky’s client for several millions in tax breaks?

Noooo.

Did Cranky find a way for a client to avoid complex and expensive EPA regulations?

Noooo.

Did a maitre’d say to Cranky: “Haven’t seen you in a few days, Sir. Your usual table?”

Noooo.

Well, what was it?

After finishing a day’s work at a legal sweatshop document review project, Cranky was crossing K Street at its intersection with 18th Street when his knee went belly up. Cranky was almost instantly crumpled on the street in intense pain and screaming emphatically about it.

Fortunately, several of the hundreds of home-bound passersby paused in their journeys long enough to drag Cranky to the sidewalk and stand him against a small barrier protecting one of K Street’s lovely trees. The pain had subsided a tad and Cranky was able to examine his knee. (He just had running shorts on although he had not yet commenced his evening run.) Something was majorly obviously wrong. The kneecap was not in its accustomed place, having relocated down and to the left, and was sort of free-floating. The foremost thing in Cranky’s mind was, “I gotta get outta town.”

Now residents of the north side of the Potomac River in the DC area may not understand this, but many citizens of Northern Virginia prefer to keep certain functions on the south side and close to home, medical care being one of them. And there is some concern about trusting one's well-being to a large urban medical institution. The medical care may be among the finest, but it can come with some less-than-pleasant secondary accouterments. For example, about ten years ago, Cranky had a heart valve repair operation at a major urban institution. The medical procedure went as expected, but Cranky will never forget the week he spent afterwards, recuperating from major heart surgery, with a loud-snoring, quaintly odorous roommate who took frequent cigarette walks, returning reeking like a Camel commercial.

Anyway, think of him what you will, but Cranky did not desire to repeat the experience. So he tested his knee, found that he could gingerly make some progress, called his spouse to describe what had happened and his plan, and set out for a metro stop. The idea was to take the metro to a Northern Virginia station, and thus perhaps to a less stressful medical situation. Cranky did get part way to the Farragut West metro stop but then the knee gave way again, and he was once more on the ground, disrupting the commutes of many hundreds with his incessant screaming.

A few Good Samaritans were among the flowing crowds, however, and 911 was shortly called. An ambulance soon arrived. Cranky thanked his temporary guardians and was off to a large urban medical institution.

The rest of the story is as might be expected, only maybe a little worse. Cranky will try to keep it brief, mentioning the most salient points. The injury itself was a complete rupture or tear of the quadriceps tendon that attaches the quadriceps muscle to the kneecap, or patella. Or at least that’s the terminology as Cranky now understands it. Pain-wise, this is a baddy, but in terms of correction it seems to be a rather basic orthopedic surgical procedure involving the reattachment of the tendon to the kneecap. Indeed, it allegedly is sometimes done on an outpatient basis. The length and requirements of the rehab process, however, are no picnic.

Cranky arrived in the emergency room of Major Urban Trauma Center (exact identification withheld to protect the innocent) at approximately 5:30 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. He was soon joined by Ms. Cranky, who was to be transported back and forth over the following days by Long-Suffering, Across-The-Street Neighbor, who seems to get a perverse pleasure from Cranky's adventures. The ER was Cranky's home for the next seven or so hours as he was evaluated, allegedly scheduled for surgery, and entertained by the dramas that are part of the environment of an urban ER. He was finally told that surgery would not occur that night, partly because the available Orthopedic Surgeon had too many other cases.

At this point, Cranky broached the possibility of being transferred to a medical facility in Northern Virginia. He was to raise this possibility several more times over the next few days as the surgery timeframe was continually revised. Each time he was persuaded by the argument that the move, while doable, required a major administrative and logistical effort, that the preliminary steps already taken would have to be repeated at the new institution, and that things were not much more than an hour or so away from beginning. In hindsight, …oh well.

Surgery did not occur the next morning although its start was allegedly not far off. The other thing that did not occur was pain medication. Whether through oversight, ineptness, conflict with the supposedly imminent surgery, Cranky went without pain medication for a three-hour period, and felt every second of the time.

Finally late Friday afternoon, the surgery time arrived, 24 hours after Cranky’s admission to Major Urban Trauma Center. But Cranky spoiled things by, with the commencement of the anesthesia, permitting his blood pressure to fall to dangerously low levels. The implication in the explanation given to Cranky after he had been resuscitated was that if only he hadn’t been such a wimp, everybody else would not have been inconvenienced, and the efficient workflow of Major Urban Trauma Center would not have been interrupted. Cranky’s counter that perhaps the underlying cause was the 24 hours he had spent on practically no food or liquids fell on deaf ears.

Incidentally, Cranky's whereabouts became a little uncertain at this stage, and Ms. Cranky spent almost 30 frantic minutes trying to determine if he had been thrown out with the trash.

So Cranky was back to waiting. The surgery was to occur the following morning, Saturday. Then it was first thing in the afternoon, then later in the afternoon. At about 5 p.m., 48 hours after being admitted, Cranky had a discussion with a Person of Some Importance about his predicament. This person seemed to be in charge of the Trauma Center portion of Major Urban Trauma Center. As this person explained it, Cranky just didn’t understand how a Major Urban Trauma Center operated. A Major Urban Trauma Center handles the most traumatic cases first. If you’re next in line, you get bumped if a more traumatic case comes in.

Eureka! So Simple! Now Cranky saw the light. He just had to wait until he had deteriorated enough to not get bumped by some Johnny-Come-Lately! So Cranky got back to the business at hand, which he now understood was to deteriorate some more.

Finally, later Saturday evening, Cranky had his surgery. And apparently things went well, medically. But it was not until Tuesday evening, three days after the surgery and five days after the beginning of the adventure, that Cranky was able to escape the medical Kafkaesque fortress. And this only after been told all day Tuesday that he was leaving but then running into the roadblock of an obstinate Intern who somehow, in the great scheme of  things at Major Urban Trauma Center, outranked or at least was on a par with the Resident and the Attending on her medical team. There was a problem with some blood count. Cranky told the roadblock, “Look, I’m leaving,” and for once Cranky prevailed.

It will be awhile before Cranky goes north of the Potomac River again.

PS: If you know of any good K Street personal injury lawyers, let Cranky know.

 

LONG LIVE THE CALIPHATE

Just about everybody seems concerned about radical Islamic extremists gaining control of a hunk of desert stretching from northern and eastern Syria to northern and western Iraq. From there, it is argued, they will have a base from which to mount attacks on Western, and Eastern, Civilization.

 

But getting all the militant whack-jobs in one place might just be the best strategy for controlling them and their activities. Particularly if that place is pretty much nothing but sand and rock. In such a place they can't hide from drones, overflights, and satellites. Their activities can be readily observed. An aggressive border surveillance can control ingress and egress. And a few airstrikes from time to time would keep them in a defensive posture.

 

So long live the caliphate. Give the terrorists and potential terrorists a place to gather. And then keep them there. Anybody got a better idea?

DICK CHENEY, PUMP HEAD

Ever wonder how Dick Cheney came to be? You know, the infatuation with torture, the un-thought-thru decisions about undertaking wars, the failures in planning and logistically supporting those wars? The knee-jerk hard-right response to pretty much any problem? Well, someone may have hit upon the answer.

 

In an opinion piece in the April 9-15 issue of the Boise Weekly—yeah, that’s right, Idaho—John Rember discusses Mr. Cheney’s history thusly:

 

He’s been under general anesthesia for a substantial portion of his life. One can assume high-school concussions [Mr. Cheney played football in high school], some months or years of not enough blood to the brain, some hardening of the cerebral arteries, long moments when one or more of his hearts ceased to pump blood, times when, fascinated with videos of water-boarding, he simply forgot to breathe.

 

Mr. Rember raises the term “pump head,” a condition of temporary, and sometimes not so temporary, mental problems experienced by some recipients of anesthesia. Cranky can vouch for the existence of pump head. He’s had two heart operations and several less serious but still anesthetized procedures, and his head ain’t been completely right since. Oh, he’s gotten a little less foggy as the operations have receded, but he’s still prone to excessive peevishness, decisions too quickly made, and a general reduction in compassion for his fellow man (and woman).

 

Lest anyone contend that Mr. Rember’s analysis is based solely on politics, he also mentioned Bill Clinton’s somewhat less than stellar press conferences following his open-hear surgery.

SUPERB OWL XLVIII--THE PERFECT TRIFECTA

Superb Owl (see Steven Colbert) XLVIII was the perfect trifecta: lousy game, lousy ads, lousy half-time show.

At least we won't be hearing weeks, months, and years of "Peyton Manning is the best quarterback of all-time." (But really Peyton, you ain't half bad.)

And Roger Sherman did not yell at the camera, causing some poor news chick to winch in discomfort. (Hope he's OK.)

And who was that half-time singer, anyway? (Guess I'm showing my age.)

And Queen Latifa singing America the Beautiful? (Wasn't bad but just don't seem right.)

And those pre-game, half-time, and post-game commentators! (Really, the whole concept of talking heads needs to be revisited; on the other hand, it is employing the otherwise unemployable.)

And what's next? (That's right, the Final Four; life is such a grind.)

No, the Winter Olympics comes first! (There's hope after all! Hundreds of hours of watching people play in the snow and on the ice! Just like watching TV from Atlanta!)

ALASKA, WHERE IS IT?

Hope Alaska Senator Mark Begich does not find out about the U.S. map painted on the playground at George Mason Elementary School in Alexandria, Virginia. According to an article in the Washington Post's Style section of January 22, the Senator's pet peeve is U.S. maps that ignore or misplace his state. The George Mason map has Alaska, the nation's largest state as measured by land mass, at about the size of South Carolina and located just to the south of California.

At least Alaska fared better than Hawaii, which is no longer in the Pacific Ocean but has been relocated to the Caribbean.

In defense of the educators at George Mason, perhaps their goal is not a geography lesson but an attempt to illustrate a component of Quantum Physics theory, that component being Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Still, it's a little disconcerting to think of all the Alexandria urchins who go forth thinking a state with humongous glaciers exists immediately south of California. Maybe they pass it off as just a Sarah Palin thing.

MORE ON "POSITIVE RESPONSE"

More ED physicians and clinics seem to be guarantying, in radio advertisements, a "positive response" while in the doctor's office. The problem is that the guarantor is usually an earnest clinical-sounding male. Nothing against male ED docs and clinics, but such advertising falls a little flat, if you catch my drift.

A preferable advertisement would feature a sultry female voice, maybe from a Doctor or Nurse with a last name such as Svensen who invites you to call her "Brigitte." She would offer the guaranty thusly:

"I guaranty you a [pause, then uttered with innuendo] positive response while in the office or your money will be refunded. And no one has asked for a refund in a long, long time."

Wouldn't such advertising be a bit more effective?