2017 TURKEY PARDONING, NOT

According to an inside source, President Trump will not be pardoning Thanksgiving turkeys. The source characterized the long-practiced tradition as "frivolous" and "not indicative of what made America great." The pardoning ceremony would also present logistical problems as President Trump intends to spend most of his time in New York City or Mar-A-Lago, avoiding the nation's capital as much as possible.

Instead of being pardoned, two turkeys will be publicly waterboarded and then dispatched by the President's big-game hunting sons, Eric and Don Jr. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will also participate.