Cranky has been running marathons and ultramarathons for thirty-five years. Actually, the running faded away about fifteen years ago. What he’s been doing since then is more like shuffling. Anyway, after his latest effort—this year’s Marine Corps Marathon—he’s decided it’s time to call a halt, unless someone is willing to pay him big bucks. A la Dave Letterman, here are the ten reasons why.
1. He’s being passed by old men and obese women.
2. His times from his prime days have more than doubled, for a marathon from a little over three hours to well over six hours.
3. The hurt doesn’t start building after ten, fifteen, or twenty miles. The hurt starts right away.
4. His knees have no cartilage left; it’s bone on bone.
5. The water points are invariably out of water by the time Cranky arrives.
6. He’s tired of reading about some seventy or eighty year-old still running marathons. Good genes are something you are born with, not something that necessarily warrants effusive praise.
7. He’s too tired to oogle the young lady spectators.
8. The young lady spectators are preoccupied with young men spectators and young men runners.
9. He snaps at people who ask what his time was.
10. Finishing at the back of the pack and still being a basket case just ain’t much fun.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
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