TIGER MOM OR DAD WOULD'A HELPED

Talk about explosive impact. The Tiger Mom Amy Chua has become close to a national obsession. Her espousals of a child-raising theory centered around browbeating one’s urchins until they excel have roused vehement debate. Most seem to think her approach is over the line.

Well, Cranky begs to differ. He thinks that the lack of a Tiger Mom, or Dad, in his youth condemned him to mediocrity. Cranky’s dream in his adolescent years was to be a high school basketball star. Despite a year-round commitment, however, and hours and hours of practice, he never made it past mediocre. Even in his senior year, he was mostly the sixth man on the team.

For a long time Cranky attributed his lack of success to being a slow 5’10” Caucasian with a vertical leap of about six inches. But now he realizes what the real problem was. He didn’t have a Tiger Dad, an Ol’ Man who devoted hours to screaming the Young Cranky to perfection.

So thanks a lot, Dad. It wasn’t me that was the loser. It was you. You were content to accept my obvious physical limitations. You did not demand that I overcome nature and achieve stardom. I could’a been a contender, Dad, but you let me down.

But there is still time for Cranky to be a Tiger Dad. I’ve got two grown daughters who are athletic enough but, to my regret, have never shown much interest in basketball. All I want them to do is to make a jump shot, a bona fide jump shot. Start with the ball about chest high, rise in the air bringing the ball over the head and situating one hand on the ball’s underside, then in that millisecond pause at the top of the jump, simultaneously flick the wrist and push with the arm.

C’MON GIRLS, STOP LOLLYGAGGING. YOU SHOOT LIKE GIRLS. IF YOU CARED FOR YOUR OL’ MAN, YOU’D DO THIS.