SENATOR CRAIG GETS THE SHAFT

Opps. Pardon the double entendre, or whatever. Anyway, Idaho’s poor Senator Larry Craig has joined the sizeable ranks of those in the Republican Party who preach but do not practice family values. Their motto: Do What I Say, Not What I Do.

But after listening to the recording of the post-arrest conversation between the arresting officer and the good Senator, the cranky old guy thinks the Senator got the shaft, at least the legal shaft. Admittedly, in that men’s room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport the Senator certainly seemed to be after more than Number 1 or Number 2 relief. And even if he had successfully fought the charges, little public doubt would have existed as to what he was indeed after (Number 3 relief?).

A good defense attorney, however, would have had a shot at convincing a judge or a jury that guilt beyond a reasonable doubt did not exist. After all, what actually happened?

The Senator looked through the cracks between the edges of stall doors and stall walls. The explanation? He just wanted to find an empty stall.

He rubbed his hands in a suggestive way. The explanation? His hands itched.

After entering a stall, his foot touched the foot of the guy—the arresting officer—in the next stall. The explanation? Hey, those stalls are small. And some people do sit wide.

He reached his hand under the stall wall. The explanation? He was trying to pick up a piece of paper (caveat here: how many people feel compelled to pick up something off the floor of a public restroom).

He was reaching with his left hand under the stall wall, an action requiring, since he was in the stall to the left of the officer, that he reach down across his body, then up. The explanation? The officer was mistaken about the left hand. Besides, what does it matter which hand it was?

Now the officer would likely testify that the sequence and scope of the Senator’s actions are common to those seeking Number 3 relief in public restrooms. But the defense attorney would note the reasonable explanations, and would emphasize that nothing actually happened: no one unzipped in front of the other, laid a hand on the other, touched a sexual appendage of the other.

In short, it was all just a little men’s room misunderstanding. The Senator goes legally free, subjected only to massive public derision.

Incidentally, if the cranky old guy ever changes planes in Minneapolis-St. Paul again, he will try to hold his water until he’s back in the air.