TOUCHY-FEELY

For reasons much too boring to detail, the cranky old guy recently, after retiring twice, returned to the work force. And not just any work force. He returned to the FEDERAL work force. Yes, it was painful.

The return was to an agency that puts new employees, even cranky old guys, through a training program, a LONG training program, eight months long. So the cranky old guy found himself in a large classroom, fortunately with cubicles, with 15 or so mostly very much younger classmates.

In keeping with current ideas on bonding and the like, the first few days were spent in getting acquainted and bonding activities. Now, the cranky old guy comes from a different time and generation. Getting acquainted activities consisted of, “Here’s your desk, get to work.” Training efforts involved a fair amount of “Figure it out your own self.”

Over the years, the cranky old guy has had to adjust. There was one time when he found himself in a new section of an agency, and the new section was the domain of a perky young thing who thrived on touchy-feely, introspective stuff. In a period of six or so months, the cranky old guy must have taken an equal number of Myers-Briggs multiple choice personality tests. He experimented with different approaches to the answers: “a” for the first ten questions, “b” for the next ten, and so on. In another test, he might just repeat a, b, c, d. For another, he might do a, b, c, d, c, b, a, b, c, d. . . .

This, of course, produced some perplexing results for Miss Perky to ponder. Maybe that’s why the group had to take the test so many times.

Anyway, the cranky old guy was not unfamiliar with getting acquainted and bonding activities, but he was certainly not favorably disposed toward them. So what’s the first activity in his new home? Each member of the class had to make a personal coat of arms.

The coat of arms was to be divided into four quadrants. The upper left was to indicate where the individual was from. The upper right was to indicate what the individual was known for. The bottom right was to indicate a talent. The bottom left was for what the individual was proudest of. And across the coat of arms or along its bottom was to be a slogan.

Well, most of the class set to work with much enthusiasm. Cranky said to himself, “Oh s***.”

Some real works of art were forthcoming. It seems everyone had drawing talent except Cranky. And the exercise was taken seriously by almost all. The time came for each individual to describe the result. The slogans were along the lines of “Always 110%,” “Forever Upward,” and “The Sky’s The Limit.” It being mostly a just-out-of-college crowd, the thing people were most proud of were diplomas. It being a cosmopolitan crowd, sketches of faraway places filled the upper left quadrants. Acting and drawing dominated the talents. And no one was bashful about claiming some save-the-world thing they were known for: working with children, the sick, the infirmed.

Cranky’s motto was “Whatever.” An outline of Virginia indicated the faraway place he was from. A rough sketch of a lawnmower indicated he was famous for cutting his grass. Three circles were an attempt to describe a modest juggling talent. A girl had drawn a clown actually juggling. When Cranky describe his talent as juggling, “but I’m not very good at it,” the girl announced, “I am.”

And for what he was proudest of, Cranky attempted two stick figures with long hair that were supposed to be his daughters. But when it came time to describe the stick figures to the class, Cranky couldn’t resist saying, “And what I’m most proud of is my first two wives.” The silence was deafening.