BIRD FLU

So when is this bird flu gonna happen? Governments, the media, and elements of the medical community have had us in a semi-panic for more than a year now. But the pandemic, as it is currently being called, keeps refusing to materialize.

The cranky old guy has come to this conclusion: it ain’t gonna happen, at least in the form and manner of the predictions. After a lifetime of surprises and dashed expectations, the cranky old guy has arrived at this truism: things you expect to happen, don’t; and things you don’t expect to happen, do.

What purpose bird flu is serving is to provide fodder for slow news days. No bombings in Iraq today? No young blonde white girls gone missing? No member of the Bush Administration putting his or her foot in his or her mouth? No member of Congress caught in a scandal? No hurricane bearing down? No earthquake or tsunami devastating Indonesia? No update on the shrinking Antarctic ice cap? West Nile virus no longer interesting? No new whack job third world country about to get the bomb? Then let’s go to bird flu. Nothing to report, actually, just that it is on its way and when it arrives, civilization as we know it will be over. Come to think of it, that might not be such a bad result after all.

And what is the relationship between bird flu and mad cow disease? Is this the revenge of the food chain? The next thing you know, broccoli will be attacking Philadelphia.

In a recent report, the Bush Administration—the folks who brought you the Katrina response, who are monitoring your phone conversations, and who are doing such a great job bringing democracy to the Middle East—put forth some bird flu rules. When it happens, employers are to keep employees at least three feet apart. Now really, who gets within three feet of a co-worker anyway? Unless, of course, . . . oh well, you know.

No, the cranky old guy thinks bird flu is not in our future. But don’t feel deprived. You can be sure something nasty is looming just over the horizon. How about a blight that will destroy coffee crops worldwide? Imagine mornings without a Starbucks fix.

DSH