Political fund raising solicitations cater to the lowest common denominator, a fact with which everyone other than those in the lowest common denominator will likely agree. Recently, however, the cranky old guy received a solicitation that might give pause to even the lowest common denominator.
The solicitation was from the Republican side of the aisle, but Democrats should not feel too superior: their communications certainly are not aimed at rocket scientists. Still, this particular Republican effort sets a new low.
North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole, a graduate of Duke University and Harvard Law School, was, in her capacity as Chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, the signatory of the covering letter. The cranky old guy hopes her signature was nominal only and not indicative of any actual awareness of the contents of the solicitation. If she was aware of how low her appeal was aimed, well, the nation has a sorrier passel of leaders than even the cranky old guy believes.
The cranky old guy will not dissect the solicitation point-by-point. Life is too short. He will just hit the highlights, saving the totally outrageous item, the item that aims below the lowest common denominator, for last.
A characteristic of low-life solicitations, both political and otherwise, is an official, government-like look. The theory apparently is that the more the thing looks an official communiqué from the government, the greater the response from the more trusting members of the populace. Aunt Maude sees the official-looking envelop and thinks, “Oh, the government needs my help.” The fact that the more trusting members of the populace are likely to be old, decrepit, and financially strapped doesn’t seem to bother too many consciences.
Senator Dole’s solicitation certainly looks official. In the upper left hand corner is an official-looking American eagle. In white letters over a black bar above the address window is “U.S. INDIVIDUAL RESIDENT.” In the bottom left hand corner is “Form 1163 (2006) Return Enclosed.” Aunt Maude’s hands are already shaking.
Stamped in red on the upper right hand side of the covering letter is the imposing label “Registration # 54.93.252.” The letter starts off: “Your immediate attention is required on a confidential and time-sensitive matter.” And then, “Enclosed, please find your official SURVEY DOCUMENT—REGISTERED in your name only—assigned to you as a REPRESENTATIVE of ALL REPUBLICANS living in your voting district.” By now, Aunt Maude is in a sweat with knees trembling and heart pounding.
Near the end of the letter is the slightly sinister warning: “DO NOT DESTROY YOUR SURVEY! The enclosed Republican Leadership Survey is an OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT. Your Survey is REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME ONLY and MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR upon completion of this project.” Aunt Maude is envisioning time in the slammer.
The letter continues in similar pleading, cajoling, and threatening veins for several pages. Gradually, the cause of the nation’s troubles and the source of dear President Bush’s difficulties become clear: liberal Democrats. Aunt Maude had no idea.
The survey document has 28 questions ranging from the innocuous “Do you think we should fix the federal tax code so that it is simpler and fairer?” ( go ahead Maude, check no) to the real gist of the matter: “Will you help continue to build a strong foundation of Republican grassroots support for President Bush and his agenda by making a generous contribution to the NRSC today?”
And then comes the insult to the intellect of even the lowest common denominator. Aunt Maude has three choices. She can check YES!, she wants to help defend the Republican Senate Majority in an amount of $500, or several lesser alternatives. She can check No, she does not wish to participate in “this vital Republican Senate Leadership Survey,” but she does want to give a generous donation of $500, or several lesser alternatives, to “help build grassroots support for President Bush and his agenda."
Or she can claim membership in the group below the lowest common denominator by checking No: “I do not wish to participate in the Survey, nor do I wish to make a donation to help the Republican Party. I am returning my Survey Document, along with a contribution of $11 to help cover the cost of tabulating and redistributing my Survey.”
Two questions. First, how was the odd figure of $11 determined? Second, Aunt Maude, you’re really not gonna send them $11, are you?
DSH
Friday, March 31, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
EDUCATION
The nation’s education system is in crisis. Tests of various sort show that our kids are dumber than kids in other countries, dumber than their dumb parents, just plain dumber. Schools don’t teach what is needed for a high-tech 21st Century environment. It’s all going downhill.
Well, the cranky old guy doesn’t buy it. For more than half a century, he has been hearing that the education system is failing. His first remembrance of the crisis goes back to the ‘50s when something called Sputnik started circling the earth. Many of you youngsters are probably unfamiliar with Sputnik and a lot of accompanying stuff, such as the Cold War, a world not encircled by man-made satellites, and the cranky old guy is not in the mood to bring you up-to-date. (Cranky is peeved about an article in the March 12 edition of the Washington Post about the National Security Council being staffed by a bunch of youngsters whose knowledge of history is about nil; no wonder they are doing such a lousy job of running the world.)
Anyway, the nation’s reaction to the launching of the first earth satellite by the nation’s then mortal enemy—the USSR—was panic about the educational system. It had to be going to hell. Otherwise, how could the Russkies have beaten us into space?
And we have been bemoaning our educational system ever since. Never mind that we put men on the moon and robots on Mars, that we have created a society based on the technology of computers, that we have mapped the human genome, that we won the previously mentioned Cold War. None of it matters because the nation’s educational system is at death’s door.
In the cranky old guy’s view, the main thing wrong with the educational system is the people who have created professions for themselves by advocating repairs, and the politicians who cater to them, particularly those politicians who barely managed a gentleman’s C themselves.
If you want dumb, one of the dumber educational ideas in recent decades is national testing and its policy implementation, No Child Left Behind. Hey, some children are going to be left behind. We may have all been created legally and morally equal, but we sure weren’t all created economically and intellectually equal. For various reasons, pockets of inequity exist in our society. Penalizing those pockets by holding them to some arbitrary national standard doesn’t, in the cranky old guy’s view, do much more than, well, penalize those pockets. Yes, try to improve the performance of the underperforming. But use carrots, not the stick. Punishing whole states, communities, and schools because individual students don’t measure up makes sense only if you get your jollies from inflicting punishment.
One last thing. In the cranky old guy’s locale, the big thing is AP—Advance Placement—courses. They are such a big thing that some Einsteins want everyone to take AP courses. The cranky old guy recently learned that so-called honor’s courses are not really honor’s courses because AP courses are considered higher on the totem pole. It’s become sort of like Garrison Keillor’s world where every kid is above average.
Well, the cranky old guy thinks some differentiation is needed. So he proposes another layer of courses: SAP, or Super Advance Placement. Just plain courses will no longer exist. Most kids will be in AP courses, and the others, the super few, will be SAPs.
Any spelling, grammatical, or factual errors in this piece are due to the fact that the cranky old guy is dumber than dirt.
DSH
Well, the cranky old guy doesn’t buy it. For more than half a century, he has been hearing that the education system is failing. His first remembrance of the crisis goes back to the ‘50s when something called Sputnik started circling the earth. Many of you youngsters are probably unfamiliar with Sputnik and a lot of accompanying stuff, such as the Cold War, a world not encircled by man-made satellites, and the cranky old guy is not in the mood to bring you up-to-date. (Cranky is peeved about an article in the March 12 edition of the Washington Post about the National Security Council being staffed by a bunch of youngsters whose knowledge of history is about nil; no wonder they are doing such a lousy job of running the world.)
Anyway, the nation’s reaction to the launching of the first earth satellite by the nation’s then mortal enemy—the USSR—was panic about the educational system. It had to be going to hell. Otherwise, how could the Russkies have beaten us into space?
And we have been bemoaning our educational system ever since. Never mind that we put men on the moon and robots on Mars, that we have created a society based on the technology of computers, that we have mapped the human genome, that we won the previously mentioned Cold War. None of it matters because the nation’s educational system is at death’s door.
In the cranky old guy’s view, the main thing wrong with the educational system is the people who have created professions for themselves by advocating repairs, and the politicians who cater to them, particularly those politicians who barely managed a gentleman’s C themselves.
If you want dumb, one of the dumber educational ideas in recent decades is national testing and its policy implementation, No Child Left Behind. Hey, some children are going to be left behind. We may have all been created legally and morally equal, but we sure weren’t all created economically and intellectually equal. For various reasons, pockets of inequity exist in our society. Penalizing those pockets by holding them to some arbitrary national standard doesn’t, in the cranky old guy’s view, do much more than, well, penalize those pockets. Yes, try to improve the performance of the underperforming. But use carrots, not the stick. Punishing whole states, communities, and schools because individual students don’t measure up makes sense only if you get your jollies from inflicting punishment.
One last thing. In the cranky old guy’s locale, the big thing is AP—Advance Placement—courses. They are such a big thing that some Einsteins want everyone to take AP courses. The cranky old guy recently learned that so-called honor’s courses are not really honor’s courses because AP courses are considered higher on the totem pole. It’s become sort of like Garrison Keillor’s world where every kid is above average.
Well, the cranky old guy thinks some differentiation is needed. So he proposes another layer of courses: SAP, or Super Advance Placement. Just plain courses will no longer exist. Most kids will be in AP courses, and the others, the super few, will be SAPs.
Any spelling, grammatical, or factual errors in this piece are due to the fact that the cranky old guy is dumber than dirt.
DSH
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